Oct 5, 2020
The Guilty Artist
I will be the first to admit I am a far cry from perfect. I am even a farther cry from being the type of person that has it all figured out.
Do I pay along with everyone else and convey that feeling so I don’t fall into the hole of feeling like I don’t belong. Heck yeah I do.
The list of decisions of who i am going to be today is endless. Do I choose supermom? Do I chose artist? Do I choose dotting wife? Do I chose gardener? Do I choose athlete? Do I choose not one freaking thing at all because I have nothing left in my tank? Me thinks I am putting all my fuel in too many different vehicles.
Auh Blah. That's is tiring!
I just finished rereading Braving the Wilderness (3rd time round) by Brene Brown. Like a good movie that you just want to watch again and again there is always something new I learn. Do you ever do that? I feel like there are so many gems in these though provoking books. How can I possibly absorb them in one sitting?
There are lessons, phrases that I build into my everyday. I ponder and practice how these ideas actually apply. The lessons I took from this session is all around my insecurities around belonging. This quote echos in my heart.
“True belonging doesn’t require you to change who you are; it requires you to be who you are.”
― Brené Brown, Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone
Gary Vee (he’s amazing, bold and powerful if you aren’t following him go do it his message is life changing) once said and (I am paraphrasing) in a short clip to put out the things you are most afraid of because then you wont be cluttering up your creative flow with a false image you are trying to keep covered up. There is no lie to keep up. Put what scares you out there and move on.
So here is mine. I would rather be alone than hurt. What I want more than anything is to find people I can feel I belong with. To be understood and appreciate. (yeah who doesn’t)! I have made it a life mission to keep people at bay.
It was easier for me to hide away and keep people away. All my life I have watched person after person leave me. Even my own family didn’t want me. So I go really good at lying, being a people pleaser and chameleon. All I wanted was to feel I belong somewhere. I was always on guard. I stopped trying to make new friends. I just stopped being ok with opening up my heart.
I stopped myself for years from pursuing what was in my heart for fear of how I would look. What people would say. I already didn’t feel like I fit in, now I wanted to do something no one I knew thought possible.
I shared my crazy dreams once with my “best friend” at the time and she didn’t know what to say. Her face was a look of shock and stifled laughter stuffed behind a friendly polite face. Well if that doesn’t work out you can always work at Tim Hortons.
I came home crying that night to my husband that I didn’t want to work at Tim Hortons.
I was a very different person back then. So small and insecure no voice of my own I lived for everyone else. As much as I have grown and learned over the last 7 years I still have a hard time showing up. Owning what is in my heart and being unapologetic about it.
What is different is that now when those feeling come up I recognize them and do something about it. i write, I create, I listen to an audio book to help me reset the message, the stories I am telling myself.
When you have been programed to think and operate in a way that sabotages the person you are trying to grow into it takes time and practice to create new groves that are just as powerful.
3 ways that have worked for me to help me break that loop:
- Action change what I am doing and go do something that will make me feel better a work out, a drawing, journaling, a walk anything to change the frequency
- Talking to my husband, a friend, to another adult helps me break out of the funk I find myself in.
- Show up and do something that scares you for me that is sharing my work. That is talking about my dreams and what I do. What energizes me. Taking on projects I am not sure I can do.
With that I will end off here with a reminder I will come back to when those scary feelings pop up again because they most certainly will. Going into the wilderness is uncharted territory and full of unknowns. It is in out nature to seek out the comfortable and secure.
“True belonging is the spiritual practice of believing in and belonging to yourself so deeply that you can share your most authentic self with the world and find sacredness in both being a part of something and standing alone in the wilderness. True belonging doesn’t require you to change who you are; it requires you to be who you are.”
― Brené Brown, Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone
Hey! My name is Ligia (Leah). a.k.a L’Artista Gigi. I am an artist, a muralist, a writer, a creator, public speaker and all around lover of life and learning.
Thank you for reading. This is my journey into the exciting world of following my creative dreams.
Follow along with me.
Love art? Inspiration? Check out www.lartistagigi.com for original art and prints or come say hello on Instagram or Facebook.
“One can choose to go back toward safety or forward toward growth. Growth must be chosen again and again; fear must be overcome again and again.” -Abraham Maslow
